its tearing me apart
and if i could, i'd make a deal with my heart
just keep pumping and i'll ignore the breaking,
the shaking, the bleeding
of my carefully crafted dreams

but the sun's going down
i feel a darkness inside, feel it surround
the light in my eyes, that used to light my way
and fight my way, write my way
though fatigue and thoughts of 'what if'

but the rhythm, the pumping, the beating,
feels forced and shallow, and without meaning
and without feeling, and without seeing
i sleepwalk through another evening

posted by bluematrix at 05/25/04 22:03 | link | comments (3)

In all the words of tongue and pen, the saddest are, "It might have been."

my encore performances were canceled by the fire marshall this weekend. we found out a few hours before showtime. it still hurts.

i'm sorry to all the people that drove all that way to find my canceled sign on the doors. i'm sorry they missed how cool the show was. i'm sorry to all the people who were coming to see it again and bringing their friends. i'm sorry that the press and the investors we had worked so hard to get to come were turned away before they could experience my work. i'm sorry for the cast that were looking for these performances to take us to the next level. i'm sorry for all people who invested time and energy to try and bring this bland midwestern city a little bit of beauty and magic and grace and were shot down by rumors and red tape. i'm sorry to my family for putting them on hold again for six weeks for nothing.

but truth be known i'm mostly sorry for myself. I know i should be proud that i at least pulled off 4 magnificent shows last month. but i feel like shit. i tried to force the stars into alignment again and could not and i have a strong suspicion it will not happen again.

it hurts now, but it will hurt much more in a few years when i witness someone else doing a similar thing and i look back to this weekend and think "it might have been."

posted by bluematrix at 05/23/04 18:41 | link | comments (2)

on attention.

"how can she stand living with that man?" my mother would say of my grandmother, refering to my drinking, gambling grandfather. reading letters she wrote to my mother the answer became clear: survival lies in sanity, and sanity lies in paying attention. Yes, her letters said, Dad's cough is getting worse, we have lost the house, there is no money and no work, but the tiger lilies are blooming, the lizard has found that spot of sun, the roses are holding the heat.

my grandmother knew what a painful life had taught her: success or failure, the truth of a life really has little to do with its quality. the quality of life is in proportion, always, to the capacity for delight. the capacity for delight is the gift of paying attention.

one of the great misconceptions about the artistic life is that it entails great swathes of aimlessness. the truth is it that a creative life involves great swathes of attention. - the artist's way, j. cameron

posted by bluematrix at 05/18/04 08:49 | link | comments (1)

...just got in - wednesdays are kind of my night out - some fire jugglers want to perform in my pre-show area and i was talking some hippy/gypsy types with a leader named Lor, who plays a flute, and i drank a fair amount of rum and i jumped around on this giant kind of waterbed with 2 bungie cords suspended 20' over it outside in this weird thuderdome-like giant black metal cage and it looked easy but i was soon weazing like an old lady after a few minutes of pushing off and flying around bouncing 10 or 15 feet in the air and did i mention the rum and these fire jugglers problably aren't going to work because the kerosene they use smells stong even outdoors so indoors it would really really powerful and my film friend zlatko cosic was there with a beautiful east european woman and i think we might be on the local morning show next week and the new 60 second video spot i made looks great and is out on the website but learning flash now is quite taxing and my guitar is calling me now so ...

posted by bluematrix at 05/13/04 00:42 | link | comments (1)

The year is 1904, one hundred years ago...

The average life expectancy in the US was 47.
 
Only 14% of the homes in the US had a BATHTUB.
 
Only 8% of the homes had a TELEPHONE.
  
There were only 8,000 CARS in the US and only 144 miles of paved ROADS and the maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
 
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.
 
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
 
The average wage in the US was $0.22/hour and the average US worker made between $200-$400/year.

More than 95% of all BIRTHS in the US took place at HOME.
 
Most women only washed their HAIR once a month and used BORAX or EGG YOLKS for shampoo.
 
Canada passed a law prohibiting POOR people from entering the country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the US were:
         1. Pneumonia & influenza
         2. Tuberculosis
         3. Diarrhea
         4. Heart disease
         5. Stroke
 
The American flag had 45 stars.  Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

One in ten US adults couldn't read or write and only 6% of all Americans had graduated from HIGH SCHOOL.
 
Coca Cola contained cocaine. Marijuana, heroin and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. 
  
There were only about 230 reported MURDERS in the entire US.
 
Just think what it will be like in another 100 years.

posted by bluematrix at 05/11/04 21:33 | link | comments (1)

my first press release...

--- FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ---

Mary’s Dream schedules two more live shows on May 21st and May 22nd due to overwhelming response.

Mary’s Dream uses live music, live theater and pre-recorded & live video projected onto enormous screens & video walls to tell the story of a young woman, Mary, and her search for meaning in her life. The audience becomes involved in Mary’s journey as the spectators become part of the story in a venue the exact opposite of theater-in-the-round. In this show, the audience is in the center and the action moves around them to one of six stages on the periphery.

“You are 20 years ahead of St. Louis - if you were in New York or LA right now you’d be the hottest ticket in town.”

“I’ve been going to live events for a long time, and I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“There’s so much going on the whole time, I didn’t know where to look. It’s total sensory overload… I loved it.”

“I really felt like I was witnessing something special. At one point the lead actress, falling into her deepest despair, caught her balance on the chair I was sitting on. The experience was touching, stunning, professional... all of the pieces came together to make something much greater than its parts.”

“Comments like these are what we received when we combined a rock opera, performance art and live & prerecorded video broadcasts with audience involvement and launched it onto an unsuspecting public two weeks ago,” said creator and producer Tim. The debut of Mary’s Dream, the premiere offering from St Louis based production company, InterSECT (Interactive Spontaneous Experimental Concert Theater) took not only audiences - but also the cast and crew by surprise.

“We knew the music was solid, the band was tight, the performers were ready and the concept strong,” said Tim, “but until we had an audience to interact with it we just couldn’t be sure just how good it was going to be. I know I’m not objective, but… it was amazing. And the comments we’ve been getting from people have been over-the-top in praise of it.”

Come to the first floor of downtown St. Louis’s AD Brown Building on the corner of Washington Avenue & Tucker and see what kind of show can generate the comments we’ve been getting.

posted by bluematrix at 05/09/04 23:32 | link | comments (2)

'old men ask for more time, the young waste it, and the philospher simply smiles knowing there is none there.'

yea, well the philospher obviously doesn't have deadlines. yea I know that time is just a concept that somebody made up and most everybody agrees to adhere to (like language), but sometimes it sure feels like its pressing down on me, each tick a little push, each grain of sand a little boink on my head.

i've been bitching about being slow at work and now that i finally get some projects in, i play guitar all morning. and when i finally get to work after lunch i'm slammed. so i put out a few fires and then what do i do? hit the blog.

'hmmm, sounds like a classic case of avoidance young grasshopper. perhaps you are finding design a bit dry after the excitement of your multimedia sensory overload show two weeks ago. all in good time my impatient creative friend, all in good time. now suck it up and go make some dough so they don't take your house.'

if money could talk, it would say goodbye.

posted by bluematrix at 05/04/04 16:24 | link | comments (7)

Each day you have many successes. to you they may seem unimportant, but everything you do is important because it triggers either positive or negative energy stored within you.

as you begin to see your life as important, each and every act, however small, becomes important as well. a walk at dawn in silence is a triumph of discipline. giving your notice at work may be another. once you focus on the successes, the things you do toward that end act like candles on your path. notice those candles. by looking at them you begin to weave a pattern of strength around you.

spend as little time as possible in the distractions of life and as much time as possible moving towards your goal. take time to listen to your inner voice to find a goal that is both affirming and challenging. move towards things that bring you joy and away from things suck your energy. study yourself, learn your strengths and your weaknesses. the knowledge that comes from this understanding of yourself will help you to gain valuable life experiences and those experiences will in turn help you to surrmount the next challenge. s. wilde

posted by bluematrix at 05/02/04 22:52 | link | comments