the more you say, the less people remember.

the last few years i've really worked on listening more and talking less (though i guess this is going to change a bit when i start my new job as corporate trainer for a large hospital system here and have to talk/teach most of the day). it's difficult to learn when you're talking.

there doesn't seem to be that many really good listeners in the world. so in social situations where i don't know people very well, while i enjoy breaking the ice, i tend to listen and ask probing questions more than talk. before, i really wanted people to like me, so i would listen just long enough to find something in common that i could then talk about myself to show them what an interesting person i was. this is not listening, it's waiting. and regardless of how interesting my story was, this strategy is not nearly as effective for getting a good conversation going, than to really listen.

here are some ways to be a better listener:

• Stop what you’re doing and focus on the speaker. Doing something else while a speaker is trying to communicate with you is not only rude, it keeps you from focusing on what is being said and prevents you from observing body language. It also makes the speaker feel unimportant and rushed. 

• Give visual encouragement to the speaker - such as facing the speaker, offering eye contact, and indulging in mild head nodding.

• Give oral encouragement to the speaker - such as, in conversation, periodically using words like "yes", "I see", "I understand" or even just sounds like "mmm" or "ah".


• Let the other person do the talking. Don’t interrupt, offer an opinion, advise or interpret. When you cut in with suggestions or anecdotes of similar experiences you’ve had, you shut down the speaker. Most likely, you’re busy formulating your answer, rather than focusing on what is being said.

• Use reflective listening techniques. In reflective listening, you demonstrate your understanding of what you’ve heard by restating the speaker’s message. 


• Occasionally ask open-ended questions. Asking questions shows that you are listening and helps you gather information. If your speaker is droning on and on, open-ended questions will get him back on track. Note that this point begins with “occasionally” — you don’t want the speaker to feel interrogated.


• Observe the speaker’s body language to “hear” what they’re NOT saying.
Emotions often leak out despite best efforts to control nonverbal expression. Notice the person’s facial expressions, gestures and posture. Tight, closed posture indicates defensiveness and closed mindedness. Note discrepancies between what the person says and how she acts. If she says she’s happy, does she look and act happy?


• Be patient and respect pauses. Don't jump to speak up after the speaker has come to his or her own conclusions or resolutions and there is a pause. Let the speaker be the first to break this silence. Listening is about understanding another person, not about making suggestions.

• Place yourself in the other person's shoes. Active listening is not about inward-thinking. It is often too easy to wonder about how what the other person is telling you is impacting on you.

• Finally - and perhaps ironically - the last lesson on effective listening is knowing when to stop listening. There are occasions when the wise and proper thing to do is not to listen. If a friend or colleague abuses your willingness to listen by taking an excessive amount of your time or taking time which is inappropriate, you need to say so, politely but firmly.

posted by bluematrix at 10/29/07 22:14 | link | comments (1)

i was reading recently about growing as a person (imagine that) and how when we grow we often need to let go of things we are attached to and how this can cause fear.

all fear can fit into two categories - either we fear losing something we have (like getting cancer and losing your health) or fear that we're not going to get what we want (like wanting a safe walk to your car in a dark parking lot).

so what can we do to ease our fears? try these...

identify your fear. Then make a plan with some smaller steps you can take to gradually lessen your discomfort.

write down all the wonderful things you will gain in your life by overcoming the fear.

redefine the fear in your mind to lessen the negative emotional impactof it. see failure simply as feedback on what you need to improve on. listen to the advice the failure gives you and you will improve.

keep yourself steadily in the now. whenever you feel fear, your mind is often dragged into a hypothetical, future scenario where you think you might fail. your brain is over-analyzing a possible situation, which leads for many of us, to a negative, downward spiral of thoughts. this expands and empowers your fear to the point where you become almost paralyzed. so in the present moment of fear, accept it without labeling or judging it. as you surrender to the fear instead of fighting it the negative energy will pass through you and your body will release it.

posted by bluematrix at 10/23/07 20:52 | link | comments (1)

awhile ago i signed up for the Elder's Meditation of the Day and every morning pearls of wisdom from american indian leaders waits for me in my inbox. usually its kind of cool. here was a recent one...

"If you get troubled, go and sit by the river. The flowing water will take your troubles away. Sometimes we get mixed up and we don't know what to do. Go to the river or creek. Take your sage and tobacco; sit and be still. Talk to the water, offer tobacco and the healing water will take your problems downstream. Give thanks". --Joe Coyhis, STOCKBRIDGE-MUNSEE tribe.

i've always felt a strong attraction to water, so this one hits home for me. especially after camping for two weekends in a row near water. powerful stuff getting outdoors. ok, yea it kinda sucks for a sailor boy to be stuck here in st. louis where i'm about as far from a large body of water as its possible to get on the planet, but what the heck, we do have some nice smaller bodies of water (does size really matter?). plus i have good imagination. and i am patient. and it makes going to large bodies of water very special for me. and i don't have to worry about my beachfront property sliding back into the ocean due to global warming. ok, so i'm reaching here and rationalizing again - hard to get thru the day without a good rationalization. but all in all, i'm in a good place now, mentally, physically, spiritually, and yes even geographically i could do a lot worse.

posted by bluematrix at 10/15/07 22:52 | link | comments (1)

many moons ago in a time management seminar i created a sort of mission statement. really just a list of principles that i thought were important to write down and review from time to time. i still carry them in my time design planner and they've held up pretty well...

Is the action enjoyable or will it lead to something I enjoy?
If yes - do it! If not - reconsider.

I, Tim Deegan, in order that I may continue to grow as a human being and enjoy my life to its fullest potential, do hereby swear to do my best to uphold the following principles:

Seek balance.
Enjoy the sowing, as well as the reaping.
Be creative in all aspects of my life.
Exercise regularly and never take my health for granted.
Work to keep the relationships I value strong.
Stay close to water and music.
Help others advance.
Stay positive, open and honest.
Commit random acts of kindness.
Embrace change and do not stagnate.
Do not speak badly of others.
Always strive to see other paradigms and give people the benefit of the doubt.
Avoid boasting, even indirectly.
Become proficient at one new thing per year.
Treat every day as the precious thing it is.
Try new things.
Listen more, write more (writing crystallizes thoughts).
Strive to advance spiritually and intellectually.
Laugh with the Grand Comedian.
Make money my servant, not my master.
Utilize the value of interdependency.
Double check my work.

posted by bluematrix at 10/09/07 21:51 | link | comments

i've been reading more wayne dyer (inspiration, your ultimate calling) and dang i dig that man. very inspiring. kind of a long post, but here are some of his thoughts on how to live an inspired life...

1. Unclutter your life.
You'll feel a real rush of inspiration when you clear out stuff that's no longer useful in your life.
If you haven't worn it in the past year or two, lose it. and trash any files over 5 years old. the less you need to insure, protect, dust, reorganize, and move, the closer you'll be to hearing inspiration's call.

2. Clear your calendar of unwanted and unnecessary activities and obligations. you're unlikely to know the glow of inspiration if you're grossly overscheduled. So practice saying no to excessive demands and don't feel guilty about injecting a dose of leisure time into your daily routine.

3. Be sure to keep your free time free. Never go to an event just because you were asked to. Go because you want to.

4. Take time for meditation and yoga. Give yourself at least 20 minutes a day to sit quietly and make conscious contact with yourself. The rewards are so powerful: You'll feel healthier, less stressed, and inspired by what you'll be able to do with and for your body in a very short time.

5. Return to the simplicity of nature. There's nothing more awe inspiring than nature itself. The fantasy to return to a less tumultuous life almost always involves living in the splendor of the mountains, or the forests; on an island; near the ocean; or beside a lake. These are universal urges, since nature is created by the same Source as we are, and we're made up of the same chemicals as all of nature (we're stardust, remember?). Your urge to simplify and feel inspired is fueled by the desire to be your natural self-that is, your nature self. So give yourself permission to get away to trek or camp in the woods; swim in a river, lake, or ocean; sit by an open fire or ski down a mountain slope.

6. Put distance between you and your critics. Choose to align yourself with people who are like-minded in their search for simplified inspiration. Your life is simplified enormously when you don't have to defend yourself to anyone, and when you receive support rather than criticism.

7. Take some time for your health. Consider that the number one health problem in America seems to be obesity. How can you feel inspired and live in simplicity if you're gorging on excessive amounts of food and eliminating the exercise that the body craves? Recall that your body is a sacred temple where you reside for this lifetime, so make some time every single day for exercising it. Even if you can only manage a walk around the block, just do it. Similarly, keep the words 'portion control' uppermost in your consciousness-your stomach is the size of your fist, not a wheelbarrow!

8. Play, play, play! You'll simplify your life and feel inspired if you learn to play rather than work your way through life. I love to be around kids because they inspire me with their laughter and frivolity.

9. Slow down. One of Gandhi's most illuminating observations reminds us that "there is more to life than increasing its speed." This is great advice for simplifying your life-in fact, slow everything way down for a few moments right here and now. Slowly read these words. Slow your breathing down so that you're aware of each inhalation and exhalation.... Take more time to hear others. Notice your inclination to interrupt and get the conversation over with, and then choose to listen instead. Stop to enjoy the stars on a clear night and the cloud formations on a crisp day. Sit down in a mall and just observe how everyone seems in a hurry to get nowhere. By slowing down, you'll simplify and rejoin the perfect pace at which creation works. Imagine trying to hurry nature up by tugging at an emerging tomato plant-you're as natural as that plant, so let yourself be at peace with the perfection of nature's plan.

10. Do everything you can to eschew debt. Remember that you're attempting to simplify your life here, so you don't need to purchase more of what will complicate and clutter your life. If you can't afford it, let it go until you can. By going into debt, you'll just add layers of anxiety onto your life. When you have to work extra hard to pay off debts, the present moments of your life are less enjoyable; consequently, you're further away from the joy and peace that are the trademarks of inspiration. You're far better off to have less and enjoy the days of your life than to take on debt and invite stress and anxiety where peace and tranquility could have reigned.

11. Forget about the cash value. I try not to think about money too frequently because it's been my observation that people who do so tend to think about almost nothing else. So do what your heart tells you will bring you joy, rather than determining whether it will be cost-effective. If you'd really enjoy that whale-watching trip, for instance, make the decision to do so-don't deny yourself the pleasures of life because of some monetary detail. You can afford a happy, fulfilling life, and if you're busy right now thinking that I have some nerve telling you this because of your bleak financial picture, then you have your own barrier of resistance. Make an attempt to free yourself from placing a price tag on everything you have. Don't make money the guiding principle for what you have or do; rather, simplify your life and return to Spirit by finding the inherent value in everything. A dollar does not determine worth, even though you live in a world that attempts to convince you otherwise.

posted by bluematrix at 10/02/07 22:05 | link | comments